Depression and Single Motherhood Made Me A Shitty Friend

Excuse me while I learn how to “people” again.

Since I began writing daily at the end of April, I’ve crossed paths with more new people than I have in the past decade. Maybe even longer.

There’s no easy way to say this, but depression began to swallow up my life when I was just 18, and I’ve spent nearly 20 lonely, grueling years simply hanging in there.

The past five years have been a particular challenge since I faced a devastating breakup and unplanned pregnancy together in 2013. Becoming a single mom has been the hardest, most rewarding, yet loneliest experience of my life. For a long time, I wanted to die. Every single day.

When you’re consumed by depression and plagued with suicidal ideation, everyone tells you that it gets better. Look on the brightside, they say. Count your blessings. But what nobody tells you--what nobody talks about--is just how much your social skills might suffer while you’re struggling beneath the weight of such crushing darkness.

I once thought I would have given anything for a circle of honestly true friends over these past several years, but now I need to face the truth. I suck at this peopling thing.

Like all of it.

And I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the extent of my damage until I finally had people who care about me. Of course, it’s inevitable that somebody’s going to read this and get offended because they “already” care… but let’s be honest. Some people have cared about me because they think they should. And others have cared because they felt sorry for me.

But true, kindred spirits who care about me because they value who I am underneath all the crud of depression and mental illness? Those people have been few and far between indeed. And I’ve been especially awkward in dealing with every one of them because loneliness, isolation, and depression all impair your ability to “people.”

Being autistic doesn’t exactly help either. Fuck.

So here’s the thing. I started writing on April 25 with the intent of creating a new life for me and my daughter. And I’m doing that. But… this entire endeavor has changed my life in a small and powerful…

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